[07.03.14, as spoken word (hopefully again)]
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the screams that I heard when I was 12 years old that kept ringing in my ears, like a broken record that keeps playing on repeat. I swear I can still hear her scream, as her tears kept coming and I can do nothing but cry with her, for anger is like a fire that gets fueled up when you fight back. Even after a decade, even after he’s become way better, I can still remember how I felt her pain radiate towards me, and how screams make my body tremble everytime.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the blood that gushed from her forehead, as her lover pushed her towards the wall. I don’t know them, but I could hear him cursing and it sounds as familiar as my heartbeat racing. He shoves her again, and I see how her lips tremble as she fights back from the inside, trying to hush her sobs. People passing by kept looking. I am frozen on my seat inside the jeepney. The traffic light turned green, and I take one last glance as he punches her hard on the stomach.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the moisture of my t-shirt, from her tears as she hugged me. I’ll never know why she chose to tell me, or what completely transpired. All I remember is how she curled up in her bed, like a child, as she cries and sobs like she’s grasping for air, her body in violent tremble. Because he left her. Because he left when she said she was pregnant. Because he left when she said she was pregnant, putting all the blame on her because she did not ask him to use a condom. I heard she got an abortion afterwards, and she continued school, but she was never, ever the same.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the look on her eyes as she tells her story. They are hollow, like empty vessels drained out from whatever was once filling it, even when she smiles. It’s the sound of her voice, breaking mid-sentence, that even when she tries to joke about how he leaves every night when the children are asleep, and that it only gives more space of the bed to her. She keeps saying she doesn’t really care where he is when he is not at home, or who is beside him during those months where he’d only come to eat, or change clothes, or even the red lipstick stains on his shirt’s collar. She smiles at me again. I smile back, but my eyes are fixed on her trembling hands. And that was then that I knew, no matter how we try to hide it, the brokenness still shows.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the pain in their eyes, the cuts on their wrists, their tear-stained cheeks, the bruises on their arms. It’s the sound of their screams, the number of doors slammed or broken plates. It’s the smiles that they fake, even when they tremble just a little- lip, hand, body- and I see the fragments of themselves they try to mend together be broken again and again.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the endless stories of every other woman I know. And how one man broke her.
It’s not that I don’t love you.It’s that I do…
I am like the wave,
no matter how far I reach towards the shore
I can never be away enough
to be separate
from the ocean
that is you.
I don’t wish leave you scars, but trails-
your lips with my lips,
my cheek on your bare chest,
your hands remembering the shape of my waist,
my eyelash on your shoulder blades,
your tears and the lines under your eyes
from sleepless nights when we fought,
those wrinkles on your eyes from too much laughing
when I act like a kid
your body filled with my touch, my kisses-
so when they see you, they’ll know you’re mine.
"FRECKLED". Watercolor. Practice art. #myArt #self #mythoughts #watercolor #painting #blonde #freckles
"BLINDED". Watercolor and pen. Practicing with watercolors. #self #myArt #mythoughts #blue #gory #blood #blinded
So I gave you your freedom
And you flew
Soaring, soaring, soaring
And I was trying so hard
but you flew so high
you did not see me
falling, falling, falling.
I watch re-runs of our kisses
Through half-asleep cries
And when the morning light seeps through the windows
I stare back into you hazel eyes
We cling into each other
And when I hear your heartbeat resonate mine
I swear everything else got lost
in between the blurred lines
left from the traces
of yesteryear’s tears
"Will you save me when I destroy myself?
Will you kill me when you do?”
We whisper in between embraces
And I still smell the scent of you
Everyone else’s voice, playing in my head
I can’t seem to hear my own
I lie and I cheat, but only to myself
Fake masks deep down to my bone
I’ve never felt so alone,
Fighting all your battles on my own
I fall, I weep, you only see your wounds
I scream, I grit my teeth
Lately I’m drowning